Feelings. They can be the most beautiful thing ever while being your worst enemy at the same time. And unfortunately, they've been a bit of an enemy lately. This post is going to be personal and I'm putting myself out there. So here's the inside scoop to my heart as of late.
So as you know, I was broken up with about a month an a half ago. This breakup has been one of the biggest blessings in disguise. However, the days where it's a disguise are the days that are the challenge. Now, I'm over that I was broken up with. That part doesn't hurt more. I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone anytime soon. But what hurts is the aftermath of the breakup: feeling unwanted. This person knew my heart inside and out for two years and didn't want me. Can you say ouch? And the feeling of being unwanted is the worst feeling in the world. It makes you feel like you're not good enough, that you have nothing to offer, or that no one will want you. This person was supposed to be the person who wanted you and the one person who wouldn't walk away. Yet you're left there, in the dust, alone. And guess what? It hurts. I've been battling with this feeling of being unwanted this past week. Last night, I broke down. New flash for you, I'm really not that strong. In the midst of tears, I prayed non stop. I felt so desperate for something. I knew I was desperate for God, but to be honest, I couldn't feel Him at that moment. I searched my bible frantically hoping to find a verse that says: "GOD LOVES YOU. GOD WANTS YOU." And, well, I came across nothing. I kept telling myself over and over again, "you are wanted. You are enough. You are loved." However, just knowing it was not enough. This was playing on repeat in my head, but it was no where in my heart. My heart did not believe that I am wanted, enough, or loved. There's a very big difference between knowing something in your head and having it in your heart. And there I was, crying on my bed, beating myself up all because a boy doesn't want me. I know, it sounds so lame to me as I type it. Then at that moment, I decided to text a friend of mine. He's a friend that has walked me through every step of this breakup and a friend that I am forever grateful for. He called me and with my broken, tear saturated voice, I opened up to how I felt. Then boom. God answered my prayers. You know those moments where God just uses someone to say exactly everything you need to hear? Well, that happened. He said everything my head knew, but everything that my heart needed to hear. I was comforted in the fact that it's okay to be weak and that it's normal to hurt. And that I am wanted and that I have a lot to offer. If this boy couldn't see this, well that's his loss. With a phone call, my confidence returned and a smile was on my face. Heck, I was even laughing. Ah, God is good!
Now, of course the feelings of being unwanted didn't go away completely over night. I went to mass this morning. And after mass, I stayed in the chapel for a good 45 min. During these 45 min, I had a good, stern heart to heart with God. And well, lets just say that God gave me a good and loving kick in the pants. I started at the cross, pouring out my frustrations into His hands. My feelings of being unwanted, my desires to have one person to chase Him with, someone to pick me up with I'm down, the feelings of loneliness, all the aftermath that breakups bring. I gave it all to Him. I gave Him my dreams of my future husband, which have been quite reoccurring as of late. I've been looking forward to that one person who I'm going to share my life with. And in my future husband, someone I don't even know yet, I've been looking for the love my heart has been longing for. I've been longing to feel wanted by the man who I will give my life to. That right there is the problem. I have been trying to fill the hole in my heart with the desires of earthly love instead of the author of love. Once I came to this realization, I heard Jesus say: "You have been desiring of a person what only I can give you. No human on this earth wants you as much as I do. I love you infinitely more than anyone on this earth could. You're feeling this way because some boy doesn't want you. That boy cannot compare to Me. I died on this cross because I want you. I love you." And right there, my heart believed it. Right there, I was at peace and I felt wanted and loved.
I realize that the moments where I feel unwanted and I don't feel God that I'm doing something wrong. I'm not giving Him my all. Or I'm getting caught up in the world. I don't open my heart to Him. I end up being in the way of myself. As soon as I feel this, I know God is telling me that something needs to change. I need to turn to Him without holding back.
It's amazing how caught up I can get in basing my worth off of things in this world. But dear brothers and sisters, we are SO much more than what this world says we are! We are more than what we do. We're more than how we look, or the clothes we wear. We're more than the amount of or lack of people pursuing us. We are children of the King of Kings. And even when people don't want us or even like us, we are wanted and we are loved by a God who is so much greater and a God who can do so much more for us than anything or anyone can. "God doesn't want something from us. He simply wants us." He wants us and He loves us. There are going to be moments where you feel like nothing. You may feel unwanted. You may hurt. As I've been learning, there is nothing wrong with feeling this way. It's okay to hurt and to let yourself hurt. Because sometimes life just sucks. Life can suck really, really bad. Life isn't always rainbows and butterflies. Even life with God isn't always happy happy joy joy. But there is hope. "Christians are like glow sticks, they have to break in order to shine." Through your hurt, trials, and weakness, strength will come.
"Affliction produces endurance, and endurance proven character, and proven character, hope and hope does not disappoint, because the Love God has poured out into our hearts." Romans 5:3-6
How ever your may feel, or whatever it is that you are going through, know that you are not alone. You are loved and you are wanted by the Creator of the Universe. Don't just know it in your head. Believe it in your heart. You are worth more than anything on this earth. You are precious. You are loved. Don't lose that and don't lose hope. God will put people in your life for a reason. He gives the people you need. And sometimes, He takes away people too for a better reason. We may not be able to see it, but trust in His ways.
"God will restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you
after you have suffered a little." - 1 Peter 5:10
"Live in love as Christ loves us." - Ephesians 5:2