Yesterday was a battle. I find that when I have awesome God filled days and have really great God moments and feel so overwhelmed by His love, the devil tries that much harder to get me to fall. And let me tell you, I fall; I fall hard. It's not that I fall into doing anything that I shouldn't be doing. It's that I fall into the lies and the temptation. That was my day yesterday.
I was asked what I get out of writing this blog. My mind started going crazy trying to think of an answer. I want this blog to be a documentation of my journey. But more than that, I want it to be able to help others along the way. I want to lead others closer to God. But truth is, I don't even know if people are reading it and if what I type makes a difference. This thought started to eat away at me. And then the battle begun. I spiraled downward into an overthinking mess and beating myself up. The lies started to slowly seep in. All it took was a simple harmless question.
"I'm not good enough."
"God doesn't need me."
"My boyfriend is too good for me."
"I don't make a difference."
Pretty destructive thoughts, aren't they? They're lies. My heart was hurting as I was in a state of confusion and lies. And the devil was thriving off of this because that is exactly what he wants. He loves it when we are confused and lost, because that is what gets us the most. The more confused we are, the more likely we are to fall to the lies. Think about it, when you're physically dizzy, you can't walk straight. Same thing. When we're confused, we can't think straight and we become vulnerable. Then he makes his move.
In mass, I was trying so hard to not believe the lies. I went in with a hurting heart and came out feeling better. I came to realize that in the midst of the battle, God fights for me. The devil may get me to fall, but God will always get the devil to fall. God is bigger and God always wins. You hear that? God always wins. No matter how hard we fall, how confused we are, or how many lies are consuming us, God will find way to win our hearts. He will win the battle. Later that night, I was on the phone with Matt. The lies and the hurt came back up as I was telling him about my day. The devil was back at it. But God was giving it right back to him. The Spirit starting moving in Matt as he said every single word that I needed to hear.
"You are precious."
"You are a child of God."
"You are so loved."
"You are wonderful."
"Jesus is so proud of you."
"You are making a difference."
"Your dad is proud of you."
"The fact that you are answering God's call is enough."
"God loves you so much."
"You are something and you are great."
What a difference from the thoughts that I was thinking. He said more, but in my crying state, I didn't absorb all of them. But what I did absorb was the love that was seeping into my heart. While he was talking, I would still have pangs of hurt. But as he kept talking, I kept hearing Jesus say: "LISTEN TO ME. LET IT GO. DO NOT HOLD BACK. HEAR ME." He was fighting. He was fighting for me hard. And at the end of it all, when there were no more tears to cry, He got me. He won. God always wins. To to the point where I was laughing. God won.
Each and every day is a battle because each and every day the devil is trying his hardest to get me away from God. God is love and God is the source of life. The devil hates that, so he's going to try to bring me down. And because I'm human and because I'm weak, I fall. And I will fall over and over again. But with God, I am strong. "I can do all things through Him who gives me strength." -Philippians 4:13. We can't walk this life alone. We need to let God in and know that He is by our side walking with us. He is fighting for us each and every day. He will hold our hand through it all and He will pick us back up when we fall.
"Our steps are made firm by he Lord,
when he delights in our way;
though we stumble, we shall not fall headlong,
for the Lord holds us by the hand."
- Psalm 37:23-24
Temptation is out there. The lies are out there. Pain is out there The devil is out there. We will fall.
But there is hope.
God always wins.
God always wins.